“What hurts more than loosing you is, knowing you’re not fighting to keep me.”
To all those children out there whose parents are divorced due to some reasons. All I want to tell you guys; it’s not your fault, it never has been and it never will be. Their separation was because of some other adult reasons which you never were a part of.
Parents happens to ignore the suffering they’re giving to their kids after they get divorced. We know that divorce is not a taboo anymore and it’s good to let go off a person who doesn’t make you happy anymore, doesn’t help you to develop further or does wrong to you in any way; but, not at the cost of your child’s sufferings. Maybe at a point of time even the child starts to hate the parent at fault but, little do you know about the future sufferings he/she has to go through.
This blog is close to me as I’ve experienced my parents’ divorce. Though I was only 2 when they got divorced and was gifted enough to not actually experience the fights and the trauma behind it. Also I would like to thank god for the people who were there for me always like my backbone who never made me feel the need of a father and helped me overcome all. The only thing that hurts is why did he forget me this easily? Why did he not fight enough? Wasn’t I precious to him being his own daughter? These are the some questions I wanted to know, but not anymore. I’ve matured and evolved in a being who accepts the fact that what happens, happens for a reason and also that it was the best decision for my mother. The reason may not be known by me till now but I know eventually I’ll know it and be thankful about it. But this is not only about me. It’s about all the children there who’ve gone through or are going through this.
But right now we’re only focusing on what we’ve experienced, and how we can heal. This isn’t meant to judge divorced parents, or to deter parents from getting divorced for legitimate reasons (abuse or adultery). The point is to see what we’ve gone through and how we can overcome.
- We feel responsible:
Children may feel an overwhelming guilt about the relationship ending. Some children may feel that the marriage ended because of something they said or did. Sadly, without a parent’s reassurance that the divorce had nothing to do with them or their actions, your children may harbor this and feel anxiety over losing the other parent in their daily lives as well. But as I said earlier it’s not your fault, child!
- We get stressful:
Divorce is almost always stressful for us. Most us do not want our parents to separate (unless the marriage was full of intense conflict and anger or other sources of misery not suitable for children). Divorce also can strain our relationships with parents, lead to lost contact with one parent, create economic hardships, and increase conflict between parents. To overcome stress you need to speak up and ask out all the doubts you’ve in mind to your parents. Clear out that confused mind!!
- Our behavior will change:
Some of us begin to act out in an effort to display distance from their new home life situation. To suddenly go from a secure two parent home to a one parent home can be devastating for some. For others, withdrawal seems best to avoid getting hurt further. We know the process is hard but our bad behavior will make it harder. Try not to show it.
- We become resilient:
Most of us from divorced families are resilient, especially when our parents do a reasonably good job managing the stress of divorce. These children — most children from divorced families — feel and function pretty much like kids whose parents are married. We are not “children of divorce.” We are what other kids are: just kids.
- We need to be heard:
Getting anything more than a few words out of us gets harder. So, to all the parents out there; stay quiet and listen. If your child offers that rare moment for you to get into his/her world, take it. When your children ask to talk to you, oblige them. Although the last thing you want to do is relive the doomed relationship, if your children ask about dad, offer a few kind words whenever possible. We’re not saying you should reopen old wounds. On the contrary, keep your explanations to a minimum all while reassuring your kids that the divorce had everything to do with the relationship you had with your ex, not them. We need to understand their point of view too.
- We lose faith:
If the divorce an outcome of any reason that completely destroyed one of our parent; our faith in humanity is lost like forever until someone actually held’s our hand and show us that there’s light at the end of the tunnel. We need to believe in god’s plans for us and accept the truth that it happened because it was the best that could have happened for us. Now that I think of it I know it was the best that happened. All we want to say is it’s hard to accept but eventually it’ll all become good. Just hang in there!!
I don’t think I have found more help in my own journey of healing than in seeking help from others who have walked the same. That’s why I’m here, writing this piece for you to help yourselves and others who’ve walked the same path. I’m doing my bit. Are you?
“You are not pathetic. You are not alone. You deserve to be deeply loved, and you are deeply loved by God. He will carry and keep you.”
Written by Shivani Alka
Editor Bhumika Mewati